Alone…

I was 31 or 32 when I had my first mammogram.  I was by myself, unfamiliar with the procedure, and overall worried about lumps that had been found in my breasts.  I feel terrible for anyone that goes through things such as this alone.  It is an awful feeling.  I have done several things in my life where I wished there had been a hand to hold or someone to catch me when I fell, but it is part of it.   It’s terrifying at times…

On the other hand I appreciate the time to catch up with what I might need to do, the chance to study or watch or even read something that I have been wanting to, the peace that comes with that solidarity I find lost in my own thoughts.  It’s magnificent at times…

I had a friend tell me that he judged me because he wanted to see me better myself, he didn’t think I was a bimbo.  It made me think.  I always look to improve… as the saying goes you can only be better than you were yesterday.  I accept it, I may bicker and complain, but I take his logical assessments and try to make sense of it before deciding whether to go with it or not.  I think the time alone has shown me I can make decisions, when in a group I am more worried about the overall consensus so that everyone is happy.  It may be peer pressure, it may be just a inane need to see everyone pleased- I don’t know.

Time alone is scary, but it should be looked at as I conquered that by myself.  It should give confidence rather than sympathy that someone else should have been there.  I guess it is all the way you twist it in your mind.  Most people twist things their way anyways. Even writing this I think of my friends from cities, I find they are quick to judge and evaluate people.  I envy that ability.  Maybe being surrounded has given them some insight the rest of us missed out on.  I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone as worthless on first impression, nor do I believe in not giving others a chance… But perhaps if people quit pushing out the odd ducks, forcing them to walk alone as outcasts then maybe, maybe they could put that strength to better use.

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